I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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