You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She bit a glass in half.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
