If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
There are leaves in my underwear?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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