That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
