i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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