she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
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My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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