What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
