I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
