Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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