Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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