What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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