sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
