If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
