and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
