cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
