If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
