so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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