I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
