I wish I could teleport
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
