Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
two words: eviction party
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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