I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
