she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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