if you like me you must not know who I am
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
