The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
