so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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