Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
