great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
