its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
worst night to have a conscience
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
