I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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