i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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