between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
