I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
