I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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