sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
