Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
as a side note pls kill me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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