If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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