So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
