And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
