i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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