Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
