oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
