Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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