Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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