I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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