I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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