I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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