so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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