So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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