you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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