I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
