No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
