Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
