He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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