I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
