The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
