So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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