Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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