Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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