he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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